When Someone You Care About Is Being Abused
Domestic violence affects not just the victim, but their entire support network. Your support can be life-saving, but it's important to approach the situation thoughtfully and safely. Remember: you cannot force someone to leave an abusive relationship, but you can provide consistent support and resources.
Do's and Don'ts for Supporting a Loved One
DO's - How to Help
Listen without judgment
Believe what they tell you and let them know you're there for them. Avoid asking "why don't you just leave?"
Express concern for their safety
Say things like "I'm worried about you" or "You don't deserve to be treated this way."
Help them access resources
Offer to help them contact domestic violence services, legal aid, or counseling services.
Help them create a safety plan
Assist with emergency planning, including where to go, what to take, and how to stay safe.
Help document the abuse
Encourage them to keep records of incidents, including photos, texts, emails, and medical records.
Respect their autonomy
Let them make their own decisions about their relationship and timeline. Support their choices even if you disagree.
Be patient
It often takes multiple attempts before someone leaves an abusive relationship. Continue to be supportive.
Maintain confidentiality
Only share information with their permission. Keep conversations private to protect their safety.
DON'Ts - What to Avoid
Don't give ultimatums
Avoid saying "If you don't leave, I can't help you anymore." This mimics the abuser's controlling behavior.
Don't ask "Why don't you just leave?"
Leaving is dangerous and complicated. There are many reasons why someone might stay.
Don't be judgmental or critical
Avoid criticizing their partner or their decisions. This may cause them to stop confiding in you.
Don't pressure them to take action
Forcing them to leave or take legal action can put them in more danger. Let them decide when it's safe.
Don't confront the abuser
Confronting the abuser directly can escalate the violence and put your loved one in greater danger.
Don't share information without permission
Don't tell other family members, friends, or coworkers without explicit permission. This could endanger them.
Don't give up or abandon them
Continue to be supportive even if they return to the abuser or don't follow your advice.
Don't blame them for the abuse
Never suggest that they somehow caused or deserved the abuse. The abuser is solely responsible.
Supportive Language Examples
What you say and how you say it can make a significant difference. Here are examples of helpful phrases you can use:
Starting the Conversation
"I've noticed some changes in you and I'm concerned. Are you okay?"
"I care about you and I'm here if you need to talk about anything."
"You seem stressed lately. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Offering Support
"I believe you, and I'm glad you told me."
"This is not your fault. No one deserves to be treated this way."
"I'm worried about your safety. Can we talk about some options?"
Offering Help
"Would you like help finding resources or talking to someone?"
"I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do."
"You're strong and brave. I believe in your ability to get through this."
Recognizing Warning Signs
Sometimes people experiencing abuse may not recognize it themselves or may be afraid to tell anyone. Watch for these potential warning signs:
Physical & Behavioral Signs
- Unexplained injuries or frequent "accidents"
- Changes in personality, becoming withdrawn or anxious
- Substance abuse or changes in eating/sleeping patterns
- Missing work, school, or social activities frequently
Relationship & Social Signs
- Partner is excessively jealous or controlling
- Isolation from friends and family
- Partner controls finances, transportation, or communication
- Fear of their partner or walking on eggshells
Taking Care of Yourself
Supporting Someone Through Abuse Is Emotionally Demanding
It's important to take care of your own mental health and well-being while supporting someone else.
Set Boundaries
- Be clear about what you can and cannot do
- Don't sacrifice your own safety or well-being
- It's okay to say "I care about you, but I can't..."
Seek Support
- Talk to a counselor or trusted friend about your feelings
- Join a support group for friends and family of abuse survivors
- Contact domestic violence services for guidance
Remember
- You cannot save someone from an abusive relationship
- The abuse is not your fault or responsibility
- Your support matters, even if they don't leave